Thursday, February 2, 2012

Antivirus, a story

This was one of my class assignments that I just turned in. Unlike previous assignments, I had to write something devoid of all images. This is harder than it sounds. My wife suggested that I try writing something stream of conscious. At the time, I couldn't come up with anything that didn't evoke some form of imagery. An hour before class I had a brilliant flash of inspiration. I have a friend to thank for that because the evening before I was working on her virus infected computer. The story is in no way a reflection of the reality that I experienced, but if you've ever been hit with a virus, or had to fix a computer that was infected, you should appreciate this.  This flew out of my head in a record 20 minutes.



Stupid virus! Why can’t you just go away like a good little virus? But no, you want to lurk inside my operating system, insidiously infecting my files until there is nothing left but garbage. Dammit! Now you’ve shut down my antivirus! It’s not like I paid $39.95 for that thing! What waste of money! Couldn’t stop a flea with a head-cold!

Now, let’s see. Google don’t fail me now. How do I get rid of this thing? Come on, give me something good. Penis enlargement!? Not what I was looking for! Ok, let’s try this site. Um, maybe we’ll just close that site down. Yeah, don’t want to look at that image ever again. Why are all my searches taking me to porn? Curse you virus! Now I will NEVER get THAT image out of my head. Thanks a whole freaking lot!

Great, now I can’t search for anything without pulling up sites that I would rather never see again. Ok, virus, maybe this anti-what-sit-callit program will work. Yeah, it works! Damn, never mind. Come on brain, think. What do I have left that this thing can’t kill? There has got to be some Holy Grail, Hail Mary, full of grace program out there. Oh, wait! I can’t search the internet without getting results that could be used against me in a court of law. NEVER MIND!

Ok, calm down. There has to be a solution. Don’t make me wipe the hard-drive. Please! It will take days to reinstall and reconfigure everything. Not to mention I’ll have to find the restoration discs, backup EVERYTHING, and then start from scratch. Arrgh! You insidious bastard!

You know what? Fine. You want to play hard-ball? Well guess what, eat restoration disc sucker! Let’s see, just pop the disc in, reboot the computer and here we go. Yes! Houston, we have lift-off! Ok, now. Yes, I want to reformat the hard-drive and reinstall the operating system. Yes, I’m absolutely sure. Yes, it will delete…wait a minute! Oh crap! I forgot to back up everything! NO! Stop it! Don’t continue! Quit! Quit! Abort! No!


 'Till next time.

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